"what i am today"
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8779030819877160646

i have been thinking a lot.

my life could have been worse
but im here
alive

i know its her time to go
its just painful to see it though

i just wish i could have a conversation again
eyes to eyes

thank you for loving me so much
i am proud of you all the time


i really wanna talk to you
hear your voice

im glad that im your grand doughter

"Kreuzberg"
I started gathering all the memories about him
its really sad that they are gradually fading away

every year when the summer comes
i sense him

it was impossible for me to fully understand him at that time
it was not my fault that we did not work out
but now, i guess i am trying to understang what he had and liked
because i feel guilty about myself

I do not think i love him at all
and i dont even want him
it is very clear

i just think i can get along with him by now
because in fact, we had nothing in common when we were together

i started reading "Norwegian wood" just to feel his world

i dont think im stupid to track all those memories
because it has to remain with me forever
forever
since he was my first love

"Stupid Feburary"

My mom said i was an idiot
I know I should not have done it

I know

But now he is gone

I dont think Im hurt or missing him

I dont think I wanna see him again

I hate guys

because they are selfish
and am i the only one to blame?
i dont think so

I hope you wont come back

but yeah i really wanna study in London
its a cool city

i wanna fly to london before i visit Daniel in Gothenburg in summer

well this world is huge
i dont need to stay in Tokyo

"Future"

am i escaping from reality?

daddy says i am

because i wanna forget him and
i dont wanna live in the same world as he beongs to

im leaving this country
i am so tired of here

i know its nice sometimes
i can get what i want here

like music, clothes
but never, ever, someone lke that boy

I donno what i wanna do there

i just go traveling for a while
see new world
meet new people

please let me go

"Je pense a toi"

i had a dream about him today
i guess i will go to hospital soon
I need to take medicine
as Daniel told me to do so

I am insane or maybe sick

Please let me be alone
Get out from my head please

I thought i was recovered now
but im not

I found an old pic of us
when we were 19

"So tired and So empty"

i havent written blogger for long time and now im relaxing at home because crazy people went back to stockholm...ahaha.
I spent so much money and time with them.
But now...i miss them a lot a lot...
it was kinda strange in the beginning, but now i feel that i have someone really close and nice in another land.
Before i get to know them, i couldnt really understand me, other people, how they consider lives, how they see the world....
but i recognized that life is not so bad as i think...
I am lonely and empty now.
but im not sad anymore.........thats the most important thing.
and i also realized how nice scandinavin people are in general once again....but i was embarrased and ashamed by weird, drunk japanese girls in roppongi......shit......iam scared of japanese girls now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Today, i really really missed Teresa........!
I was thinking about my best friends....and i really need her here with me.
I will be knocked out if i dont have some like her beside me.....because u really have to be strong here in tokyo.
I guess im too weak to see everything, every nasty and dirty things happening here....
i just cant stand being here....!!!!!!!!!!!